But make sure that you don’t get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God. The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing! God is putting the finishing touches on the salvation work he began when we first believed. We can’t afford to waste a minute, must not squander these precious daylight hours in frivolity and indulgence, in sleeping around and dissipation, in bickering and grabbing everything in sight. Get out of bed and get dressed! Don’t loiter and linger, waiting until the very last minute. Dress yourselves in Christ, and be up and about! Romans 13:11-14, The Message bible
We can't afford to waste a minute...When I was more naive (I am not yet allowed to refer to my self as old, and, thus, can't refer to a younger self), I wrote a poem that I called 'She lived everyday till she died.' The general geist of it was that this character had consumed her life like one would devour their first meal after weeks of starvation. She was busy serving and saving. She loved and gave and poured herself out to others. She was consumed by a mission to reach and raise as many people as she could.
At the time, I wanted to be this person. I wanted my eulogy to read the same way as this poem did. I wanted to die breathless after a life of constant life-saving action. I had plans to do grand things and to be a great person. I was stirred to do my bit to save the world from the cruel fate that greed and stupidity had condemned us to. I was arrogant and foolish (in the sense that I lacked wisdom, not that I lacked knowledge).
Back then, the boundaries of my world were endless. I felt that I could reach out and change lives in Myanmar if I wanted to. Now, I dare not look beyond the next few meters or beyond the next week. I am humbled by the fact that I do not have total control over where and how things end up (the number of embassy visits I have made is evidence of this. Ugandan passports are not travel-friendly). I read Paul's words then and thought he was asking me to pursue causes like social justice and empowerment of the impoverished with the passion and thirst of youth. I thought he was asking me to chase after every cause that came my way. I thought I was meant to put out all the fires I saw, to save the victims and then help them rebuild their lives. And, I guess that was the right attitude some of the time.
Today, I looked at the text again. Maybe wisdom and time have changed my priorities. Paul said love is the basis of how we live life - not a dream to have a long list of deeds read when I die. I have a greater appreciation for how much people have sacrificed to support and sustain me. I am humbled by the idea of bearing and raising children, especially when done successfully (i.e. children actually end up independent and capable of caring for themselves, without resentful feelings colouring their childhood memories.)
So perhaps the focus on people I don't know and places I don't need to go to is indeed the waste of time Paul refers to, since it really is all about me making a name for myself, oblivious to God. I can't afford to waste another minute. It isn't about me. It's about love.
I am here now. I should deal with that. I shouldn't be stressing about my eulogy. When the time comes it will not be my responsibility anyway.
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